All 14 X-Men Movies, Ranked from Hot Garbage to Mutant Greatness

 

After 20 years and 14 movies, the X-Men feature film series has gone the way of the dodo bird. Ironically, these cinematic mutants are destined to rise from the ashes of their penultimate release, Dark Phoenix, like a -- you know. But that resurrection is probably years away, since Marvel Studios'll have to make room on the MCU's already full schedule. But the X-franchise did manage to go out with a bang. Until Marvel Studios takes a stab at the carriers of the X-gene, let's take a look back at what was so good -- and so wrong -- about the X-Men movies that we already have.





14. The Last Stand

The third time definitely wasn't the charm for the live-action X-Men. The
Last Stand's depiction of the --- Phoenix --- storyline is so bad that it
had to be remade. Even the appearances of popular villains like the
Juggernaut were nothing more than woefully missed opportunities.

Worst of all, the movie's brimming with Black Pride statements ("I don't answer to my slave name", "Did he just call me boy?")-- spoken by white people. Is it ironic that Black actors comprise a minority of the characters in a film series that works as a metaphor for the Civil Rights movement? Or is it just utter tone-deafness? It's hardly surprising that one of this movie's three Black character's, Bolivar Trask, is replaced by a white actor in a later sequel.









13. X2: X-Men United

X2 is the first -- and sloppiest -- live-action attempt at retelling the comics' Dark Phoenix saga.

12. Once Upon a Deadpool

Once Upon a Deadpool is essentially the PG-13 -- and much worse -- version of Deadpool 2 with Fred Savage along for the ride to parody his scenes in The Princess Bride.

11. Apocalypse

The Avengers' face-off with their near omnipotent nemesis, Thanos, was a $2 billion-grossing smash (Infinity War) featuring a portrayal of said villain that seemed like some kind of miracle. But the X-Men actually had the first crack at showing movie audiences how to wage war against an inhuman arch-foe. And they fumbled at the 1-yard line. Apocalypse is a horrible movie featuring an astonishingly stupid-looking boss villain. Instead of springing for CGI to depict a ginormous guy who can change his shape and size, the filmmakers opted to slather cheap makeup on a short actor. But we did finally get Storm's Mohawk and a surprisingly accurate-looking Psylocke.









10. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

While this first X-Men prequel featured an indescribably horrible depiction
of Deadpool, it managed to do justice by Gambit, John "Kestrel" Wraith and Emma Frost. And the Wolverine war montage in the beginning of the movie is outstanding. The problem is that everything else in the film is trash.








9. X-Men

X-Men, Marvel's second foray into feature films, is a disappointing addition to the comics giant's film catalogue following 1998's Blade, especially considering rival DC's string of critical hits (Superman: The Movie, Superman II and Batman). But the origin story for Professor X's mutant academy kicked off with plenty of promise. Master of Magnetism Erik "Magneto" Lensherr------'s introduction as a young concentration camp prisoner is excellent. Of course, this is also the movie that introduced the world to Hugh Jackman -- who completely stole the show. But otherwise, with the off-brand Matrix outfits, bad wigs (Storm) and cheesy- looking
villains (Magneto in costume and Sabertooth), it was pretty much a suckfest. The "X-Jet"? "X's" on the wheels of Professor Xavier's chair? Come the fuck on.








8. The Wolverine

The singular focus on the most interesting X-Man (a premise that would be perfected in Logan four years later) was a good idea that was executed poorly. The Wolverine features the title character traveling to Japan and coming face-to-face with his past.









7. Days of Future Past

The critics who raved about Days of Future Past were surely grading on a
curve. This time-travel tale, based on the comics story of the same name, merges
the younger versions of the X-Men saga characters, introduced in First Class, and the older versions and their comrades, first seen in 2000's X-Men, into the same movie.

Faced with the violent extinction of their kind at the hands of robotic Sentinels, the remaining mutants in a war-torn future concoct a desperate plan to send one of their number decades into the past in order to prevent the disastrous events that led to their current predicament. Because Wolverine's healing factor renders him the only one capable of surviving the trip (his psyche will heal from the destructive stress of the procedure), his awareness is transported by Kitty Pryde into his 1970s body. His mission is to convince a young Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr, the latter of whom Logan hates, to help him stop Raven "Mystique" Darkholme from assassinating mutant-phobic scientist Dr. Bolivar Trask. That act is destined to initiate a hatred of mutantkind that will only be satisfied with their obliteration.

Matters are complicated, however, by a drug-addled Xavier's inability to
access his telepathic abilities (due to the side-effects of medication that
allows him the use of his legs) and Lensherr's incarceration in an
impregnable secret detention facility [beneath the Pentagon]. But this leads to the highlight of the movie: the latter's prison break, facilitated by his son, Pietro "Peter" Maximoff. 









6. Deadpool 2

Deadpool is overshadowed by Cable and the Juggernaut and outfunnied by TJ
Miller.

While the film addresses sexism, racism and homophobia in its own way and
ostensibly promotes acceptance and tolerance, the characters (and by
extension, the movie) gleefully revel in ageism. While one older character
is ridiculed for being bald, another, Cable, is reductively described as
"the old guy" more than once.

And pedophilia and rape jokes abound. When Deadpool comes face-to-face with a guy's loincloth he jokes, "Is that you Scoutmaster Rick?" and he tells
14-year-old Russell, "...you'll win the Icebox Award for softest mouth."

Cable nailed Deadpool to a tee with the best line in the movie:

"Here's a spoiler alert: You're not a fucking hero. You're just an annoying
clown dressed up like a sex toy."

5. Deadpool

This do-over for the titular mercenary is an immense improvement over the movie that featured his cinematic debut, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and finally gave star Ryan Reynolds his first win in a superhero film. After Blade: Trinity, Green Lantern and XMOW, it's a testament to Reynolds' tenacity that he even went back to the genre. 

This R-rated action-comedy features a Wolverine ripoff breaking the fourth wall and satirizing comic book movies. Some people refer to this joint by its nickname, Cesspool, and I gotta say it's not entirely inaccurate. 









4. First Class

First Class focuses on the exploits of a younger Erik "Magneto" Lensherr and Charles Xavier's first batch of mutant students during the Cold War.









3. Dark Phoenix

Once again, Erik Lensherr -- along with vastly improved visuals and a captivating score -- steals the score in this retelling of Jean Gray's fall to the dark side. This penultimate movie in the series is the second -- and final -- X-Men do-over.

2. The New Mutants

I'm not gonna lie to you. I never liked the New Mutants comics. It always seemed to me like an obvious and lame attempt to squeeze more money outta the X-Men -- the comic book version of the James Bond, Jr. cartoon. But after Fox finally put together a great X-Men movie -- Logan -- there was a slim chance that they'd learned the error of their ways and New Mutants the movie might actually be decent. They did. And it is.

In the most underrated X-film and the closest that the X-verse has ever come to horror, The New Mutants features a group of five young people undergoing testing and receiving inpatient treatment for their respective genetic mutations at an otherwise empty medical institution overseen by Dr. Cecilia Reyes.

1. Logan

The title is simply, Logan. But the movie's partly based on the 2008 - 2009 Old Man Logan comics storyline, which sounds a hell of a lot better and also happens to be more accurate -- especially considering Hugh Jackman's look in the movie. The source material was inspired by Unforgiven and that influence is pretty clear in the film as well.

The movie does make a stark departure from the original story -- mostly due to corporate realities. Fox, the studio that held the film rights to the X-Men and Wolverine at the time of production, had no such claim on the Hulk, Hawkeye, the Red Skull, She-Hulk, Giant-Man, Thor, Captain America, the Kingpin, Doctor Doom, Iron Man and the Abomination -- all of whom are referenced (some play key roles) in the comics. Even so, the movie is just as good as the source material -- if not better.

 Deadpool's position as the highest-grossing R-rated film of all time (at the time) prompted Jackman to insist on the freedom to earn the same rating. Deadpool's $783 million box-office take certainly gave the studio suits something to think about. It's considerably more than the $414 million 2013's The Wolverine took home. Deadpool star Ryan Reynolds was also in 2009's X-Men Origins: Wolverine ($373 million). He wised up. Fortunately, Jackman did too. The R-rating has allowed us to finally see Wolverine being the best at what he does.

Logan isn't just the best X-Men movie -- it's better than all of the others combined. Jackman's always been pretty good as Wolverine, but until Logan, he's always been stuck portraying the most popular mutant in sh#tty movies with unconvincing special effects, terrible costumes and just overall slackness. But this time around there's no mute Deadpool, no giant samurai, no leather outfits and no wheelchair with X's on the wheels.

Speaking of which, Logan also provides the best movie showcase for Professor X.

A good bit of the story involves a guy, with the aid of an old friend, hitting the road in order to keep his super-powered kid from being reclaimed by federal agents. It's like 2016's Midnight Special -- except entertaining. Logan's time spent with the mutant kids is also reminiscent of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Wolverine even one-ups Batman by dying a hero's death the way the latter should've done in The Dark Knight Rises. Maybe best of all, Logan himself explains that comic books and other media greatly exaggerate his and his fellow X-Men's accomplishments. He says, "It happened once and they turn it into..." But both he and the Professor acknowledge (at least some of) the events that took place at the Statue of Liberty (from 2000's X-Men). Consequently, Logan renders all but the very first X-Men movie null and void - and even negates most of the events in that film.

The movie's only real flaws are the Superman III-style Wolverine vs. himself nonsense and the lack of an explanation for the mysterious green "medicine" -- which is too important to the story not to get one.

Jackman has announced his retirement from the role that made him famous. He even refused to make a cameo appearance in any Deadpool sequels. If he stands by his decision he'll be doing what Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan should've done before him -- walking away at the top of his game.