Tuesday, June 28, 2022

All 10 Iron Man Movies, Ranked from Hot Garbage to Technologically-Advanced Greatness (including "Endgame" - SPOILERS BELOW)




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Endgame, which marks Tony Stark's final appearance in the MCU, features him making the ultimate sacrifice in order to protect the Earth from Thanos. So we probably won't be seeing the self-described billionaire genius playboy philanthropist again anytime soon (if ever) -- especially since Marvel's got their hands full with the remaining Avengers, Black Panther, the Guardians of the Galaxy and, eventually, both the X-men and the Fantastic Four. But Stark's impressive Hollywood run deserves to celebrated. We've seen him go from a narcissistic arms-dealer to a selfless hero onscreen. From facing off against terrorists to surviving hostile deadly corporate takeovers to going toe-to-toe with a giant intergalactic warlord, Iron Man's big screen adventures have spanned from 2008 to 2023 and we still haven't seen him as much as we'd like. So until Tony makes his way back to theaters in a prequel we'll just have to re-watch the solo films, team-ups and guest appearances that we've already got. Here they are:





10. The Incredible Hulk




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Tony Stark's role in The Incredible Hulk is limited to a pre-credits scene cameo. But his guest stint is still important because it marks the first time that two future Avengers appear in the same film, officially establishing the Marvel Cinematic Universe.









9. Iron Man 3




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The Iron Man trilogy hit its lowest point with IM3. It only made a billion dollars because, being the first MCU release following The Avengers, moviegoers expected more of what they got in that movie. An Avengers sequel this was not. Intended to be an exploration of Tony Stark's attempt to cope with the PTSD he suffers as a result of his experiences during the Invasion of New York, Iron Man 3 is little more than a shit-show of bad CGI, lame storytelling and the corniest aspects of Iron Man lore (Extremis and the Iron Patriot -- smh).









8. Homecoming




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Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey, Jr. must get along pretty well. This makes the fourth movie they've done together. You can catch 'em both in ChaplinOnly You, Civil War and Endgame. Of course, they're just reprising their Civil War roles in Homecoming. Tomei's the new Aunt May and Downey's Tony Stark/Iron Man. 

In Stark contrast (I know) to Tony's brief cameo in The Incredible Hulk, there's waaaay too much Iron Man in Homecoming. The most significant alteration to Spidey's conventional history comes in the form of his mentorship by Tony Stark. And believe me, Homecoming could've used a lot less Iron Man -- just look at the poster. As a matter of fact, the web-slinger more or less comes across as Iron Man-in-training. This Spider-Man reboot essentially relegates the star to a sidekick. If you've ever wondered what a Robin solo film would look like -- this is it. The worst thing about the movie is the preponderance of Spider-gizmos and the Iron Man-style Spider-suit Peter Parker gets from Stark. 









7. Iron Man 2




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Though Tony Stark's second outing is more introspective than the first, the story's nowhere near the highlight of the movie. Loosely based on the Iron Man comics story "Demon in a Bottle", about Tony's struggle with alcoholism, Iron Man 2 is completely devoid of  alcoholism. If you can stay awake long enough, what you'll wanna see is Iron Man and War Machine battling Ivan Venko and his unmanned drones at the end of the movie. 









6. Iron Man




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Iron Man is the movie that started it all. This story about a billionaire arms dealer who decides to dedicate his life to protecting the world from the instruments of war instead of profiting from them is the film that kicked off the MCU.

After he's critically injured during a terrorist ambush, genius weapons-supplier Tony Stark uses his time in captivity to build a crude metal suit of armor equipped with a flamethrower. Following his escape and homecoming, he decides to change his life. He not only shuts down his corporation's lucrative weapons division he also further develops his armored suit and uses it to battle terrorism across the globe.

Understanding that most non-comic book readers are completely unfamiliar with the character, Marvel Studios wisely presented the movie as an origin story -- establishing the precedent for the initial solo film of nearly every Marvel hero to come. Billionaire genius Tony Stark's (the man inside the Iron Man suit) motivations and inner-demons play a pivotal role in a couple of the later movies -- and the fate of the world -- and this one gives you an idea of what kind of guy he is.

While the movie's primary importance lies in its presentation of background information, what you'll love most is seeing Iron Man in flight -- and crashing. However, Stark reveals his previously secret identity to the world during a press conference at the end of the movie. As a result, S.H.I.E.L.D. (Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division)-director Nick Fury approaches him and lets him know that his organization is considering him for "the Avengers Initiative".

Including a Ghostface Killah song was a brilliant touch -- Tony Stark knocking Tony Stark....









5. Endgame




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Tony begins Endgame on the brink of death: starving and nearly out of air aboard Peter Quill's starship with only Nebula (of all people) -- the only other survivor of the clash with Thanos on Titan (seen in Infinity War) -- for company. After being located by Captain Marvel and refusing to aid the remaining Avengers (Captain America, Hulk, Thor, Hawkeye and Black Widow) execute a plan to find Thanos for Round 2, we catch up with Stark five years later, living in seclusion with wife Pepper and their daughter, Morgan. Following the previously-assumed dead Ant-Man's journey to Avengers HQ with a time-travel theory, the team once again attempts to convince their former colleague to re-enlist only to be rejected again -- angrily. 

However, succumbing to his life-long curiousity, the former playboy figures out how to make the zany plan (to go back in time and steal the Infinity Stones before Thanos locates them) work and offers to help -- with one caveat: that the team not undo the last five years (which would undo his marriage and fatherhood) and instead simply resurrect all of the Mad Titans' Snap victims. Tony even designs and constructs his own version of the Infinity Gauntlet. After participating in a couple of "time heists" with Steve Rogers, one of which brings him face-to-face with his father, Howard, Tony joins Captain America, Ant-Man, Hulk, War Machine, Rocket, Hawkeye, Thor, Nebula, and, eventually, the un-Snapped Avengers, Doctor Strange, the Wakandan army, Peter Quill, Groot, Drax, Mantis, the Ravagers, the New Asgardians, Pepper, the Wasp, Captain Marvel and even Howard the Duck in a last stand against Thanos' combined forces. 

Sadly enough, Endgame probably marks Iron Man's final appearance in the MCU for the foreseeable future given that he sacrifices his life using the infamous Infinity Stones to kill off Thanos and his army. You've gotta give it to him -- Tony Stark knows how to make an entrance and an exit.

He also gets the best line:

"And I am Iron Man."










4. Age of Ultron





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Still shaken by his experiences during the Battle of New York, Tony concludes that the best defense against alien invaders is an army of artificially intelligent drones. After he and Dr. Banner seemingly fail at using Loki's scepter and some weird science to make this dream a reality, the resentful robot Ultron achieves consciousness. Ultron is more or less the physical manifestion of Tony Stark's megalomaniacal ego. And he accurately (unfortunately) calls out the Avengers for the killers that they are. Before long, the nearly-indestructible murder-bot concludes that the biggest threat to the planet is humanity and sets out to cure the globe's "infection" by raising a piece of the Republic of Sokovia so high that a subsequent crash back to Earth would amount to an extinction-level event.









3. Infinity War




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Following a half-cocked attempt to protect Doctor Strange from extra-terrestrial kidnappers (members of Thanos' Black Order), Iron Man finds himself in a starship with no back-up, facing an alien torture-specialist until he realizes that Peter Parker ignored his wishes and stowed away on the same ship. After a tense but hilarious introduction to the Guardians of the Galaxy, the new alliance of heroes make an ultimately futile last stand against Thanos in an effort to prevent him from claiming the Time Stone, which Strange has been sworn to protect.

As the Avengers' slickest talker, Tony has some of the movie's best lines:

"He means beat it, Squidwirt!"

"Ok, Mr. Clean's on his own page."

"Missouri's on Earth, dipshit!"

Thanos' final words to Stark in the film prove to be prophetic:

"You have my respect, Stark. When I'm done, half of humanity will still exist. I hope they remember you."










2. Civil War





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Tony's decision to sign the Sokovian Accords, which places the Avengers under direct governmental control, the team fractures with half following Stark and the other half leaving with Captain America. After recruiting a teenage Peter Parker to assist him in an effort to arrest the Winter Soldier and Cap, a 12-person super-brawl ensues at Germany's Flughafen Leipzig-Halle airport. And the revelation that Bucky assassinated Howard and Maria Stark  25 years earlier only deepens Tony's disdain for the two soldiers.

Already known for one-liners, Iron Man brings the funny with one word (his nickname for Spider-Man):

"Underoos!"










1. The Avengers





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Although he squabbles with his teammates quite a bit (namely, Captain America and Thor), the former playboy but still billionaire/philanthropist gets down to business and helps to repel an alien invasion in the Avengers' first official mission.

As usual, Tony has the best lines, which include:

"Better clench up, Legolas."

"That man's playing Galaga -- thought we wouldn't notice."






Originally Posted 5/18/19


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