"The Secrets of Dumbledore" is Trash

 

For those not already in the know, The Secrets of Dumbledore is the latest -- and, most likely, last -- entry in the prequel series of the Harry Potter saga, Fantastic Beasts. For those of you who don't give a sh*t, what can I tell you? And oh yeah, there will be spoilers. 

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

Magiczoologist Newt Scamander continues his adventures, this time helping a Chillin', a magical equine monster that can see the future, give birth to twins. But evil wizard, Gellert Grindewald's, followers kill the mother and deernap one of the babies. As soon as they deliver it to Grindewald, he slits its throat. In the previous movies, Grindewald was portrayed by Johnny Depp but he was replace by Mads Mikklesen after being #MeToo'd. Anyway, Newt, who kept the other calf, and his big brother, Theseus, meet up with Hogwarts teacher and future stereotypical bearded wizard, Albus Dumbledore himself. Albus explains that he made a blood pact with Grindleballs years ago that prevents the two of them from fighting each other. Next, we catch up with Credence Barebone, portrayed by future cautionary tale, Ezra Miller, who was revealed to be Humblescore's long lost brother, Aurelius. He has a heart-to-heart with Queenie Goldstein, who switched sides in the last movie to join Grindleballs. Continuing the catching-up phase of the story, we check in with American baker and muggle -- or non-magic user -- Jacob, who's recruited by another magic teacher, Professor Lally Hicks. The new team, which also includes Afro-Franco wizard Yusuf Kama and Newt's assistant, Bunty Broadacre, convenes on a train to Berlin and determines to stop Grindy from taking over the world or some bullsh*t.

But since he's taken the dead baby Chillin's powers of foresight, their mission is virtually impossible. Upon arrival, they attend a boring ass magic conference -- trial? -- where Grindy's acquitted of all charges stemming from the last movie due to insufficient evidence. Theseus is arrested; Dumbledore shows up and orders the team to prevent the assassination of Brazilian wizard Vicencia Santos. Meanwhile, Yusuf heads over to Grindleballs' HQ in order to spy on his operation. While all of this bullsh*t's going on, Fumblecore and Credence engage in a magic duel on a busy street, which ends when the older wizard reveals that Grindleballs lied to Credence about his true identity. He tells him that though he is a member of the Mumblemore family, he's not Albus' brother. He's actually his nephew. Ok, now it's a full-blown soap opera -- Aight. For those of you who still care, Newt's nearly killed by a giant scorpion monster during Theseus' prison break. Meanwhile, though Jacob and Lally foil the assassination, Jake ends up being accused of attempting to assassinate Grindleballs himself. And during the dinner where all of this takes place, Jacob catches sight of his ex -- Queenie. But she doesn't look his way. Anyway, after they escape, Jake, Lally, Rumblesores and the Scamander boys reassemble at Hogwarts, where it's revealed that Grindleballs has been named as a candidate for Supreme Mugwump in the kingdom of Bhutan. The election is decided by a Chillin', given that they're considered to be the purest creatures in the world and can accurately judge the hearts of others.

Anyway, once the X-men get to Bhutan, Theseus and Lally take out a squad of goons who corner them on the street searching for the spare Chillin'. Thinking ahead, the team has brought decoy briefcases, hoping to throw off anyone who realizes that they actually are transporting Bambi in a business tote. Instead of helping, Jacob and Queenie meet up in an alley to make googly eyes at each other. Grindleballs resurrects his Chillin', which bows to him, and he's immediately declared the winner of this ridiculous election and wastes no time in firing off magic wand shots at Jacob and declaring war on muggles. But, the Flash reveals to the gathered crowd that the Chillin' is a zombie that Grindleballs killed and subsequently bewitched. Newt then reveals the remaining Chillin, who bows to both Tumbleweed and Vicencia. Grindleballs then tries to murder Barry Allen but the Stumbledrawers brothers save him. For some reason, the blood pact is rendered invalid, allowing Grindleballs and Crumblesmores to have a magic wand duel to a standstill. So, their off-brand Magneto/Professor X dynamic survives to see another sequel. Grindleballs vanishes, Newt stuffs the Chillin' back in his briefcase and everybody goes home. We end with Jacob and Queenie's wedding in his bakery, at which the latter's sister, Tina, who also happens to be Newt's ex, makes a dramatic entrance. But before the ceremony kicks off, Jungleroar makes one last, pretentious, soft-spoken speech before walking off in the snow. 

None of the Harry Potter prequels are particularly compelling -- or good -- but The Secrets of Dumbledore is the absolute bottom of the franchise's barrel -- so far. It's entirely possible that the next installment (if, by some miracle, there is one) might be so garbage that it makes this dishwater look like a certified classic by comparison. Don't waste your time or money on this trash. If you wanna see wizard action, go check out The Fellowship of the Ring.