Let's Take One Last Look at "The Dark World" and Then Forget That it Ever Happened...Forever (10 Year Anniversary)

 

With one huge exception, the MCU is particularly prone to sophomore slumps with regard to its sub-franchises. While Captain America and Doctor Strange boast sequels that are exponentially better than their debuts, Guardians of the Galaxy, Spider-Man and even Iron Man hit foul balls during their respective second at-bats. But like his fellow Avenger, Ant-Man, Thor struck all the way out. With that said, let's take one last look at Thor: The Dark World and then forget that it ever happened -- forever. 

For the second time in her career, Natalie Portman goes on a romantic outing on an alien planet with a tall dude with magic powers and a melee weapon who's believed to be the chosen one for his people. Sidekick Darcy gets more pointless scenes and Thor joins forces with estranged brother, Loki, who shows off some illusion tricks, which is mostly a lame excuse to feature a sort of Captain America cameo (This would be his first, but unfortunately not his last, trash cameo in another hero's film series). And it's without doubt the worst part of an already terrible movie. Why bring Steve Rogers into this sh*t show? 

The villains -- the Dark Elves -- are even more bland and unmemorable than the first movie's Frost Giants. And the Viking Age iconography, laser guns and starfighters make for a truly gobbage combination. The tone is all over the place, careening recklessly from completely unfunny attempts at humor to wholly uncompelling and woefully over-the-top melodrama. Rumor has it that Marvel was going for a Game of Thrones vibe with this trash (director Alan Taylor did helm 7 episodes of GoT) but Thor 2 doesn't even live up to the widely-hated final season. Don't get me started on the weirdly sappy yet simultaneously unconvincing "love" story. 

Darcy's unethical romance with her assistant, Ian, is more compelling than Thor and Jane's. And Anthony Hopkins has always been horrible at choosing roles in the action genre -- and his Odin in the Thor movies, especially this one, certainly upholds that piss-poor tradition. Aside from all of its other f----ups, The Dark World doubles down on the MCU's decision to give its Norse people off-brand Downton Abbey accents. You know, when you screw up royally, the best course of action is to stop what the f--- you're doing. They recast Warmonger, Fandrill and Bruce Banner AND even let Chris Hemsworth stop bleaching his eyebrows. But I guess they're sticklers for continuity when it comes to cultural intonation. Well at least Chris' costume is less cheap-looking than in its previous appearances. If you wanna see a dark fantasy about Vikings, skip this unwatchable train-wreck and check out The Northman instead.