"The Children's Hour" Review

 

by Daniel White

Talk about a tempest in a lesbian teapot! By the time Shirley Maclaine declares her true feelings for Audrey Hepburn at the end of The Children's Hour (1961), I was completely fed up. Directed by William Wyler, it's one grim, unrelenting dirge.

Based on Lillian Hellman's (in)famous 1934 play, Audrey and Shirley are a pair of unmarried teachers running a private school for young girls. Except for struggling financially, our two spinster gals are happy. Strident (read butch) Shirley's pug nose may get bent out of shape from time to time over demure Audrey's (read femme) upcoming nuptials to handsome Dr. Joe (a truly inept James Garner), but that's just because she's worried about the future of the school... Or is it?

Trouble comes to their Edenic isle of estrogen in the form of a nasty brat named Mary Tilford (played all too convincingly by a less than photogenic Karen Balkin). Miffed over her perceived mistreatment by our two bachelorettes, Mary spreads a vicious rumor that shrill Shirley has "unnatural" desires concerning soft Audrey. Before you can say Sappho was a right on gal, the school's been shuttered, lives have been ruined and Miriam Hopkins, as Shirley's silly Aunt Lily, has been sent a-packin'. Which is really regrettable; Miriam's the only thing worth watching in this dreary drudge fest.

Both Hepburn and Maclaine are adequate, certainly better than Garner's godawful turn. But you would need two dazzling actors of outsized talent to transcend this maudlin morass of mush, and neither one of them is THAT gifted. With the fabled Fay Bainter getting saddled with a sorry flick for a swan song, The Children's Hour is currently streaming on Tubi.