Determined to pay tribute to the great Stephen Sondheim, I watched A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1966) last night. To be honest, it's a musical that has never interested me much. I'm a guy who likes a story that revolves around a gal, and Forum struck me as a Bawdy Borscht Belt Boy's Club Bash, a scenario certain to put me to sleep.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum is exactly that, schtick performed by (mostly) aging male comics, a show where all the women are buxom bimbos or shrewish spouses, and yet, and yet, I enjoyed it very, very much! Directed by the formidable Richard Lester and starring the fabulous Zero Mostel, Forum is gads of fun, my only real complaint being that they cut half of Sondheim's music out of it. For a musical comedy, there is very little music, but thankfully loads of laughs.
Mostel plays Pseudolus, a scheming, fast-talking slave who hopes to attain his freedom by procuring for his master's son (a young, gangly Michael Crawford) the girl from the neighboring bordello that he has fallen in love with. Zero Mostel is tremendous, an actor who knows how to milk schtick and make it work. Like Oliver Hardy, he's a big man who is both graceful and clumsy. He's the total package: verbally adept, physically spry, a pro at pratfalls, sly innuendos, and a master at mugging. He created the role on Broadway after both Phil Silvers and Milton Berle turned it down and is the primary reason for watching the film.
Primary reason but not the only one. You also have Phil Silvers and Jack Gilford offering superb back-up support for the the amazing Mr. Mostel. Both men end up in drag at one point, and are able to make the tired gag of a dude in women's duds seem fresh and funny.
Mostel, Gilford, and English actor Michael Hordem have the best number in the movie, "Everybody Ought To Have A Maid." A silly, breezy skit that is as politically incorrect as it is entertaining, it highlighted the film's greatest flaw: not enough musical comedy
routines!
Silent movie legend Buster Keaton shows up, and while always a welcome presence, he's tired looking and wan. Suffering from terminal cancer (unknown to him), he would die shortly after the film's completion, in early 1966. His plotline as Erronius, a man searching for his lost children, is unremarkable, but he has one scene where he mistakes Jack Gilford for a woman and the dead chicken he's carrying for a baby. It's lowbrow, corny, and unsophisticated, but it got a guffaw out of me.
Part Benny Hill, with a dash of Monty Python, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum is diverting silliness that hits the bullseye more than it misses.
We lost a musical genius yesterday, a man who reshaped, reimagined, and reinvented the American musical theater. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum was the first musical he wrote both music and lyrics for (he was supposed to do the music for Gypsy as well as the lyrics but Ethel Merman wasn't about to entrust both tasks to a novice, so she had Jule Styne brought in to handle the score) and it was a Broadway smash. The movie version may not be the most faithful rendition we have of the show, and the skimpiness of his songs make this less than a masterpiece but it still offers up some juicy numbers that are delivered by true legends of comedy. So why not grab a bag of popcorn, settle into your favorite chair, and get ready for some Comedy Tonight!
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum is available on Tubi, a free app on the internet that is a wonderful source for movies from the Golden Age of Hollywood to today.
Writer/director Guy Ritchie has built a career ripping-off fellow auteur Quentin Tarantino in nearly every way. The hallmarks of a number of his films include: criminal protagonists; characters who seem unrelated but eventually cross paths; brutal violence...and casual racism.
Ritchie's first two feature-length films, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch contain a Black gangster and a trio of Black criminals, respectively, who are little more than objects of ridicule who function as virtual jesters. Even Ritchie's Disney movie, the live-action remake of Aladdin, was plagued by accusations of the widespread use of brownface. According to several crew members, dozens of white background performers were hired and made-up to appear as though they were native to the fictional Middle-Eastern kingdom of Agrabah. The official excuse was that there weren't enough actors with naturally brown skin who possessed the specialized skills needed for the movie. Nevermind that Bollywood is full of such performers.
Ritchie's latest effort, The Gentlemen, is no different.
A Black woman and a Black guy are ordered around like serfs at the white gangster-owned auto shop at which they work. Later, a Black henchmen, Bunny (short for Jungle Bunny?), is the only one of his fellow goons to not apprehend his target -- and, as a consequence, he's the only one to be ridiculed. And a Black guy is yelled at in the gym by the same white guy who explains to him that it's not racist to call him a "black cunt".
The racial insults aren't limited to the Black characters, though. And no, this doesn't mean that they respond in kind to their white assailants. Chinese characters are humiliated both in a fantasy sequence and in actuality. And nearly all of them are murdered. Of course, there are lots of Asian racial slurs just for good measure. In case you were wondering, none of the white gangsters die -- despite being career criminals who've dedicated themselves to a life of violence.
"Isn't love finer than our bodies?" Gloria Swanson as Marion Donnell asks this question when confronted by the wife of the man she once loved in The Trespasser (1929). The crippled spouse (Kay Hammond) has wheeled her way over to Marion's apartment to relinquish her husband to his former love. "I'm only half a wife", laments the poor self-sacrificing creature. At this point I had to pause the movie because I was laughing so hard.
The Trespasser is bad, very, very bad. And, unfortunately, I'm here to report that Gloria Swanson gives a truly stinko performance. Which I don't blame her for, entirely. No, I place that onus on Mr. Edmund Goulding, who not only directed this potboiler, but also wrote the turgid, implausible, ludicrous script. This is a howler, and can be viewed for the entertainment it provides only under the category "so bad it's good." Think of it as a Pre-Code Valley of the Dolls, a Showgirls from the Golden Age of Hollywood. This is Plan 9 From Outer Space BAD, Mommie Dearest BAD. I'm here
to report that I've found Gloria's Gigli and it is The Trespasser.
Gloria Swanson is a very fine actress. One only has to view her brilliant performance as Norma Desmond in the fabulous Sunset Boulevard to know that. And I've watched several of her silent movies where she's a vivacious, exciting screen presence. The Trespasser was her first talkie and someone should have guided her, DIRECTED her, Mr. Goulding. Maybe he was intimidated by Swanson's stardom and couldn't be honest with her. Who knows? But she's unable to transcend the material; Gloria goes down in flames, as bad a performance as I've ever witnessed from an established star.
I know people are going to get their feathers ruffled because I'm writing this and being so cruel to Gloria Swanson. As Auntie Em would say, "Hogwash!" She has an admirable body of work and I respect her immensely. That doesn't mean I can't point out when the great Miss Swanson lays an egg. And in The Trespasser, she lays a spherulitic-sized egg.
Finally, I want to aim some arrows at another woman who some might refer to as sacred: Eunice Kennedy Shriver. What! Going after the Kennedys now? Yes and I'll tell you why. In 1980, Gloria Swanson wrote her autobiography, where she revealed for the first time her affair with business tycoon Joseph P. Kennedy (who produced The Trespasser, by the way). Eunice, upon finding out that Gloria and her pa were lovers, felt compelled to write a letter to the press attacking Gloria and defending her father. In it, she writes that Kennedy, with wife Rose: "shared... in the raising of the children, the creation of a stable and loving home." Okay, fair enough. But then she goes on to attack Swanson, saying: "What lasting value has her (Swanson) life left us." Whoa now, Eunice, Gloria Swanson had a very valuable life. Actress, producer, writer, businesswoman, mother, she lived a full, bountiful existence. An inspiration for many. What did Joe Kennedy do? Make a fortune out of bootlegging? Lobotomize his mentally-challenged daughter, Rosemary? Commit adultery repeatedly? Buy the presidency for his son Jack? Careful Eunice, those in glass houses....
Watch The Trespasser and enjoy it for its wretched horribleness (the last scene where Gloria is the telegraph operator and takes a wireless from her former husband is truly the most contrived scene in the history of film). Then watch Sunset Boulevard and see what a stupendous actress she could be with a first rate director and an intelligent, brilliantly written script. She was a STAR, big enough to survive the travesty that is The Trespasser.
The Trespasser is available on YouTube and I recommend it, if only for it's sheer lousiness.
The Star Wars saga has been around for more than 44 freakin' years. And as crazy as it sounds there are still some moviegoers and cable-watchers who haven't seen a single episode. So far, there are 11 films with more on the way at some point, including a planned Kevin Feige-produced film and another trilogy planned for release sometime in the future. So it seemed like a good time to celebrate the best of what we've already got before we're hit with another five. Here's the best of the best:
4. Star Wars
When Star Wars was originally released in 1977, it became the highest-grossing movie of all time and remained so until 1982. It was also nominated for ten Oscars, including Best Picture, and actually won seven. There's virtually no chance that a sci-fi fantasy film would be nominated for anything more than a couple of technical awards these days.
Star Wars pioneered the tangible, worn look of spacecraft and sci-fi equipment that would inspire future projects such as: the Alien films;Space Hunter:Adventures in the Forbidden Zone; The Ice Pirates; and Guardians of theGalaxy. Up to that point, sci-fi entertainment tended to feature exceedingly clean, glossy, boring-looking spaceships and cockpits.
Star Wars' influence didn't stop at science fiction either. Replace the galaxy far, far away with London and you've got Harry Potter. Think about it:When the story begins, Harry is a young, nerdy orphan (Luke) who's barely tolerated by his aunt and uncle (Beru and Owen). A wizard (Obi-Wan Kenobi) convinces him to leave home in order to cultivate his heretofore unknown magical abilities (Force powers). Along the way he meets a guy(Han Solo) and a girl Hermione (Princess Leia) who will eventually become his closest friends and fall in love with each other. His magical mentor (Kenobi) is killed but continues to communicate with him throughout the series. The villain is a powerful and disfigured wizard (Darth Vader) who murdered Harry's parents (Kenobi tells Luke that Vader murdered his father; it's eventually revealed that he was responsible for the death of Luke's mother) and is referred to as a "Dark Lord". Said villain has also undergone a name change -- from Tom Marvolo Riddle (Anakin Skywalker) to Lord Voldemort (Lord Vader). Harry's, and every wizard's, weapon of choice is a wand (lightsaber).
Conceived out of necessity when Lucas was denied the rights to Flash Gordon (which ironically received a big-screen adaptation as a result of Star Wars' success), his idea for what he called a "space fairy tale" was rejected by United Artists, Universal and Disney before 20th Century Fox finally agreed to back him.
The original idea underwent a myriad of changes before becoming the final product that debuted in the late 70s. Reportedly, Han Solo was initially intended to be green and Billy Dee Williams, who would portray Lando Calrissian in the 2nd and 3rd installments of the trilogy, originally auditioned for the role of Luke Skywalker. Lucas' insistence on filling most of the parts with relatively unknown actors resulted in Broadway veteran James Earl Jones voicing the iconic Darth Vader, who wouldn't be nearly as menacing had he opted to go with any of the other choices he'd considered.
Something to think about given the information that's eventually revealed in the final movie of the trilogy, Return of the Jedi: Princess Leia gives Luke the first of three kisses (the second and third are in The Empire Strikes Back) in the series in StarWars.
The original, unmolested, non-Special Edition Star Wars is deceptively entertaining. I've been told more than once that it "changed the world" forty years ago, but when I think about watching it it feels like work. I guess you had to be there. The thing is, it manages to draw you in not long after it starts. And by the end it's GREAT. When I was a kid, I saw it countless times on HBO but I'd never watched it chronologically, from beginning to end. I'd always see it in parts, which was fine with me. I experienced it more as viewing the events of whatever galaxy it takes place in, as opposed to a linear story. I think I prefer it that way, to tell you the truth.
3. Return of the Jedi
The would-be conclusion to the Star Wars saga has not held up well in some respects. While it garnered critical praise when it debuted, it's now the lowest rated entry in the original trilogy. The ewoks were always a bad idea, the "Special Edition" updates are anything but improvements, Harrison Ford is noticeably fatter despite being in suspended animation since The Empire StrikesBack (c'mon it was only three years -- Carrie Fisher's wearing a bikini for fuck's sake) and Boba Fett's death is just lazy.
That said, there is a lot to admire. The space scenes were, and still are, outstanding. The Death Star run at the end of the movie is phenomenal. There is nothing like it anywhere else in cinema. Speaking of which, the Death Star itself looks incredible. As redundant as it is, the unfinished Death Star 2.0 looks so much better than the final product -- seen in Star Wars. Better still, the dogfight in space was the absolute best of any movie of any era (until Rogue One came along). The fact that it was done without the benefit of CGI is astounding.
Darth Vader fulfills the prophecy that he'd bring balance to the Force -- for the second time (the first was 20 years earlier in Revenge of the Sith) -- and in spectacular fashion as he allows his son to beat him in a fight (which is really the only way Luke had any chance at all, given that Vader had not one, but two Force mentors and had been a Force practitioner for about 30 years before Luke ever even saw a lightsaber) and ultimately behaves like any real father of any galaxy. Think about the revelations regarding Vader's progeny and consider the ramifications in context of the suffering he willfully inflicted on the heroes during the first two films. If the movie isn't complicated, the man certainly is (at least he is until his actions defy all logic, common sense and even the slightest semblance of actual human behavior in the prequels).
Jabba the Hutt is stupendous as the absurdly overweight drug kingpin. He shows that you don't have to carry a gun, wear an expensive suit or even be human to be a gangster. He also introduces sex into the Star Wars universe. It's impossible to ignore the strippers and sex slaves (wearing collars attached to chains, no less) roaming around his palace. When you see the hate in Princess Leia's eyes it's clear that she'd felt more than Jabba's gaze.
The Emperor is at his best and the stoicism of his silent, red-clad Imperial Guard is a nice, ominous touch.
Lando Calrissian becomes the hero and quite possibly proves that Han Solo is not the best pilot to have manned the controls of the Millenium Falcon. And the fact that Return of the Jedi is the first -- and still only -- film in which the Black guy saves the galaxy makes it worth sitting through all the Ewok nonsense.
It's also nice to see what Luke has become -- and a little chilling to see what he may be becoming. Take note of his clothing color of choice, for example. The apple doesn't seem to fall very far from the tree in the Skywalker family. For better or worse (or perhaps, for better and worse), his past has taken quite a toll on him. The excitable kid that couldn't wait to leave the farm in Star Wars is gone forever. There's a moment in the Emperor's throne room when Luke realizes just how much he has in common with his father. And you have to wonder how many of their similarities are genetic and how many stem from the fact that they were both guided -- and misled -- by Masters Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi.
For a time, the movie was officially titled, Revenge of the Jedi. There are plenty of posters with that title still floating around eBay. Supposedly, the title was changed because the thinking was that vengeance is out of character for jedi. The fact is, vengeance seems to be exactly what Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda have in mind. According to a Los Angeles Times interview with Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back producer Gary Kurtz, certain script ideas, such as Han Solo being killed in the middle of the movie and ending the film with Luke Skywalker walking off "like Clint Eastwood in the spaghetti westerns," were abandoned because the happier ending was thought to be more conducive to increased toy sales. Just think -- this popcorn movie could have been art. Oh, well.
2. Rogue One
If you're under the impression that all of the best Star Wars movies were created and released in the 70s and 80s -- you're dead wrong. With the release of Rogue One, Star Wars was finally back. Not a remix of the first two films -- an originalStar Wars story. The first 21st century Star Wars film, The Force Awakens,has style to spare but not much substance. Let's be real, it's more hype than greatness.Rogue Oneis actually about something.
The movie was marketed as a "stand-alone Star Wars story". But that's not really true. In reality, Rogue is a prequel and is key to the events that follow. There is also a small acknowledgement of what came before. But fortunately, it's nothing like those pre-Empire movies. Rogue has more in common with The Empire Strikes Back than those things.
To be honest, it's more like Empire than any other Star Wars movie. Vader is in beast-mode, the good guys aren't angels, there's no teddy-bear army and the "heroes" take extremely heavy losses.
In fact, this movie makes up for the wack stuff in Return of the Jedi. For instance, you get a battle that alternates between land and space -- but without the Care Bears.
Rogue One makes me never wanna watch the prequel trilogy, The Last Jedi or Solo everagain. Yeah, I said it. I definitely don't give a sh*t what happens to Kylo Ren, Rey and Poe Dameron in the future. At this point all the Star Wars saga needs is the original trilogy, and RogueOne. There's your new saga right there.
Darth Vader is back too. Not a lame, groupie grandkid trying hard to be live up to the family name and not George Lucas' rewritten version of history -- this time the actual, choke-the-sh*t-out-you-quick, murder-my-own-officers-without-breaking-a-sweat Darth Vader. Not once does he break outta character and yell, "Nooooo!" like he did in Revenge of the Sith and the Special Edition of Return of the Jedi (Smh).
If we're lucky and if Lucasfilm is smart, this is a sign of things to come and not a stand-alone great story.
Rogue One isn't just good. It's so well done that it's ALL the prequel that the Star Wars saga needs. It renders Episodes I, II and III completely unnecessary.
1. The Empire Strikes Back
The sequel that's far superior to the groundbreaking, revolutionary, blockbuster original. The adventure story that dared to combine substance and integrity with incomparable style. The film that had the gall to let you hear one of it's heroes scream in agony. And to let another of it's heroes fail. And go toe-to-toe with evil and not only lose decisively but to run away. Where an ally reveals himself to be a traitor, but not for reasons as cliche' or superficial as the promise of riches. Where a puppet looked more realistic, had more personality and remains more beloved than any computer-generated character even 35 years later, including The Lord of the Rings' Gollum. Where not one, but two of the hero's mentors display dubious morals -- at best. This is also the film in which the villain takes center stage and gets revenge. It's also the film that visited the most locations in space (the ice planet, the swamp planet, the cloud city, the asteroid and a Super Star Destroyer). It has textured, dirty, used, so real-looking-you-swear-you-could-reach-out-and-touch-them spacecraft. It has science (sort of) and sorcery, existentialism and non-cheesy romance. TheEmpire Strike Back's Special Edition even contains the least drastic changes of the trilogy (George Lucas' so-called "improvements" to the films made 20 years after Star Wars' debut), though the Emperor's appearance was thankfully boosted to the caliber of the rest of the visuals. Empire proves that when a film is great, without qualification, it's alright to have a tragic ending. And if you decide to make a sequel, people will show up in droves because they don't just want to know, they want to see, what happens next.
Whether Lucas recognized his limitations or simply found that he was too busy as a newly-independent producer, passing the respective writing and directing reins over to Lawrence Kasdan and his old film school professor, Irvin Kershner, was his wisest decision since bringing his saga to the screen in the first place. Like The Winter Soldier 34 years later, Empire is completely different from its predecessor. The emphasis was re-focused onto character while doubling up on the visuals and excitement. Everything was honed to perfection.
Darth Vader was never better (the same holds true for Boba Fett). He no longer boasts or shouts angrily as he did in Star Wars. His short temper has been replaced by the imperturbable, matter-of-fact malice witnessed in one too-brief scene in Star Wars (where he calmly, telekinetically strangles one of his cohorts at a meeting). He's no longer a caricature with distinctive heavy breathing, he's a so-hardened-he's-irredeemable, barely-human warrior who's seen it all and lost the capacity to be moved or impressed. He's the template for The Terminator'sT-800 and No Country for Old Men's Anton Chigurh. He's so villainous that he murders his own officers for failing, severs his only son's hand and casually plots to overthrow and murder his mentor. This film reveals the true nature of the galaxy's power structure -- Vader allows the Emperor to sit on the imperial throne -- for now -- but he's really the one calling the shots (a la Dick Cheney or Tony Soprano when Uncle Junior was the New Jersey don). Even his helmet is shinier. This is the king of bad guys at his finest.
The "space opera" takes cues from no less than Shakespeare and Greek tragedy, with a touch of Hamlet and Oedipus Rex. Life was hard for Luke in StarWars (he was an orphan who found the corpses of his murdered aunt and uncle, watched his mentor die and lost a childhood friend on a suicide mission), but things get worse a mere three years later and he does not make it out in one piece. While he overcame his self-doubts in Star Wars, even more of his personal flaws are revealed here and the villain's restraint and ulterior motives are the only reasons that they don't become fatal. Both Yoda and Kenobi use Luke in order to satisfy their desire for revenge. They conceal from him the true nature of the suicide mission for which they are preparing him -- to unwittingly murder his own father. It's worth noting that both chose to live in hiding for decades instead of undertaking said mission themselves. How's that for complexity?
The distinctive score debuted in Star Wars is enhanced, most notably with the addition of the "Imperial March", which netted composer John Williams both a Golden Globe for best soundtrack and a Grammy.
Empire is one of the greatest films of any genre ever made and it's the Michael Jordan of adventure and fantasy films. It's much better than anyone could have ever expected or imagined it to be. Critics that likened Guardians of the Galaxy to Star Wars films could not have been referring to this one. They must have had Attack of the Clonesin mind. The Empire Strikes Back is so good that it's not merely the best fantasy film. It should be referred to as the fantasy film.
What a fascinating documentary film regarding the life of Sharon Preston-Folta, the only daughter and child of American icon and legendary jazz musician Louis ‘Satchmo’ Armstrong. ‘Little Satchmo’ is based on the memoir of Preston-Folta, whose mother was the mistress of Armstrong and whose affair was never revealed until after his death. Due to his fathering a child with a dancer from the famous ’Cotton Club’, Armstrong never could reveal his affair and was never able to publicly acknowledge his child. The documentary is narrated by Preston-Folta and her personal stories and letters she shares about her father are very interesting. She seems to be primarily reading from a script, and that can be off putting at times, but overall it's very well done. There were moments of excitement and, of course, disappointment in that she could not be with her father in the same home.
I don’t think anyone can deny that Armstrong is without a doubt a legend and musical icon and the clips of his performances and songs confirm it. But it was interesting hearing about this side of his life probably that very few knew about. Very good film!
How could a movie that took sixteen years to come to the screen not be better than this shit? The Phantom Menace was the first Star Wars film to be released since Return of the Jedi
in 1983. That long, sixteen-year time span was always its blessing and
its curse. The anticipation was so high that the movie was guaranteed to
be a box-office smash -- which it was. On the other hand,
writer/director/creator George Lucas set himself up for artistic failure
with all of the talk about the highly-esteemed and astonishingly popular
original trilogy being merely the middle of a larger story spanning nine
films in all. The notion that he had more than 22 years to perfect his
ideas (the first movie, Star Wars, debuted in 1977) raised expectations to impossibly high levels. Maybe Dr. Dre took note of Lucas' downfall when he scrapped Detox.
On
the plus side, and this can't be stressed enough--no other movie has Darth Maul.
He is absolutely the best thing about the prequel trilogy. And the
moment that the second blade emerges from his lightsaber is
applause-worthy. Either Darth Sidious or Darth Maul would've been great
on his own, but the combination of the two is almost too good to be
true.
All of the space action is
magnificent and thankfully, Phantom made it out of production before Lucas went digital-crazy and decided to make everything that wasn't human CGI. Even the trailers are phenomenal -- but unfortunately, the movie that they promised wasn't the one that was released.
The universal focal point for the hatred directed at this movie has historically been Jar Jar Binks. But it's not just him. All of
the Gungans sucked. The desperate attempt to appeal to kids under the
age of five with the pod-race was a low-point too. And seriously, the
day when filmmakers stop clumsily trying to tie all of the pieces of a
franchise together with familiar faces should be remembered as a
holiday. This case wasn't as bad as Spectre, but the inclusion of Jabba, R2-D2 and C-3PO was just lazy. Maybe the worst thing about The Phantom Menace is that it somehow lets Attack of the Clones off the hook -- and that is a much worse movie.
Agree? Disagree? Feel free to let us know in the comments below.
‘The People Vs. Agent Orange’ is a documentary on the horrifying effects of the use of the chemical known as Agent Orange. Not only was this chemical used over 60 years ago in Vietnam, but many people don’t realize that it was also used in the forestry industry in the United States. The shocking images of the effects on animals and humans alone should make people want to ban it and similar types of chemicals. I've never seen such images and it just broke my heart to know that they are now seeing fourth generation effects of this chemical. The documentary does a good job of following two amazing women - one an author and activist in Paris, the other an activist in Oregon - who have both been trying to fight the chemical companies and manufacturers of these dangerous herbicides.
This is a disturbing documentary that needs to be watched!
The Last Jedi should be rated HG for Hot Garbage. It may have even supplanted Attack of the Clones as the Worst Episode Ever. It's not just that it sucks ass -- it's that it's an enormous step back in quality after it seemed as though the franchise had learned some hard lessons in what not to do and had finally gotten it right. It's the Justice League, Spectre and Star Trek Beyond of the Star Wars saga. Last year's Rogue One is the grittiest and most mature entry of the series but for some reason writer/director Rian Johnson thought it would be a good idea to "fix" what worked so well and to go in the opposite direction. The Last Jedi's chronological predecessor, The Force Awakens, notoriously remixes 1977's Star Wars. TLJ, meanwhile, cast a much wider net and recycles not only Star Wars but also imitates The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, 2009's Star Trek and, believe it or not, Mary Poppins. The result is a nonsensical, campy mish-mash that more closely resembles Spaceballs than Star Wars. Johnson undoes so much of Awakens' director/co-writer J.J. Abrams' storytelling that it makes me wonder if there's some sort of unpublicized animosity between the two filmmakers. It's eerily reminiscent of Donald Trump's ongoing campaign to eliminate all of the policies instituted by his predecessor, President Obama. Here's a list of some of the dumbest shit that takes place in The Last Jedi: 1. The Prank Call TLJ gets off to a great start: the familiar theme music; the good ol' opening crawl; the beginning of a space battle -- and then it's all immediately derailed by Poe Dameron's prank call to General Hux. Right then and there you have to wonder if you're watching a Star Wars movie or Abbott & Costello in Space. 2.Purple Hair One character, Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo, sports purple hair. That's something you'd expect to see in a SyFy Channel original movie, whose filmmakers would understandably scramble to visually convey their film's intergalactic setting using limited resources -- not in a feverishly-anticipated sequel with a $200 million dollar budget. 3.Kylo Ren Removes His Helmet One of the most disappointing scenes in The Force Awakens was the moment when Darth Vader-wannabe Kylo Ren granted Rey's request to remove his helmet. The second the headgear came off, Ren lost all of his mystery and intimidation. The revelation that he was really a goofy-looking herb with a babyface transformed him from an intimidating Sith warrior to a boy band reject in the eyes of moviegoers. To make matters worse, in TLJ Ren destroys the helmet during a tantrum ensuring that he'll never wear it again, and thus, never be taken seriously again. There's a reason that Captain Phasma had the bestselling Force Awakens action figure on amazon.com.uk: she never took her helmet off. 4.Leia Poppins One of the jankiest aspects of TLJ is Princess Leia's fabricated mastery of the Force. Though "the Force is strong" in her family, there has never been even the faintest hint that Leia underwent even the slightest amount of training so as to cultivate any latent abilities that she might possess -- not in the previous five movies in which she appeared, anyway (Leia trains to be a jedi in the Star Wars Expanded Universe novels but those have all been infamously rendered non-canon by Disney). But all of a sudden and out of nowhere she demonstrates the proficiency needed to somehow protect herself (and it couldn't have been with a Force-shield since she clearly had ice crystals on her skin for fuck's sake) from flying debris and the vacuum of space when her ship is fired upon by a TIE-fighter pilot -- and in the split-second in which the section of the craft in which she's standing is shot the fuck up. On top of all that, she impersonates the most famous nanny in film history as she somehow manages to fly back into said ship. The only thing that missing was the umbrella. WTF, indeed. 5. Bizarro Luke Some people do indeed grow cynical with age but Luke Skywalker's mischaracterization in TLJ is ridiculously unbelievable. The same guy who refused to fight the father he never knew, despite the fact that he witnessed the guy kill his mentor; knew he was complicit in the murder of an entire planet's population; and even cut his right hand off became the kind of dude who seriously considered murdering his twin sister's only child as he slept? Riiight. 6.Return of the Ewoks The biggest consensus fan complaints about the original trilogy revolve around the Ewoks featured in Return of the Jedi. But for some reason Johnson figured it'd be a good idea to duplicate that cyncial, overt attempt to manipulate kids into pressuring their parents into buying plush toys and thereby further lining the pockets of the Lucasfilm top brass. Rian Johnson: "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Porgs!"
7. CGI Casino Rian Johnson is no Martin Scorsese. Why he insisted on slowing the movie way down in order to focus on a detour to a space casino followed by a fake-looking horse chase beats the hell outta me. 8.Phasma's Quick Exit
After 38 years of apparent sexism, Star Wars finally admitted (in The Force Awakens) that women can be just as evil as dudes with the introduction of Captain Phasma. Unfortunately, she followed in the footsteps of Boba Fett as an ever-helmeted badass who falls to his or her death in only his or her second movie appearance. In Phasma's case, the shiny-armored stormtrooper commander meets her end after going toe-to-toe with former stormtrooper Finn onboard a Star Destroyer.
9. Snoke's Insignificance The mystery of the Emperor'spast worked in the original trilogy because there was so much going on and Star Wars cultivated an air of infinite possibilities. But now that we're familiar with the Empire and how it was established -- how this guy rose to the top and who he is is sort of important. 10. Rey's Ancestry Kylo Ren reveals to Rey that, despite rampant online speculation and several very plausible clues dropped throughout The Force Awakens, she's not a Skywalker, Kenobi or a Palpatine. Anti-climactically, her parents were, in fact, a couple of winos who sold her for drinking money. I get that force-users can be born to non-force-users. But tell me why exactly, given the absence of a familial connection between the two, Luke Skywalker's lightsaber "called" to her and showed her scenes from his life? I gotta call bullshit on this one. 11. Master Rey Unlike Leia, Rey did manage to get some Jedi training under her belt. But the two days or so she spent nagging Luke for lessons was nowhere near enough time to explain the Zorro-like prowess she displayed against Snoke's personal guard alongside Kylo Ren.
12. Yoda's Powers After three movies featuring Force-ghosts (Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and somehow Anakin Skywalker) Yoda reappears in phantom-mode and whatta-you-know...thirty-some odd years after his death he now possesses the ability to manipulate lightning. Yep. Somewhere along the line he turned into Thor. But the question is: If ghosts are so powerful in this galaxy, why aren't they the ones going out to save everyone else from evil? Yoda should've saved Luke and everybody else some trouble and faced off against Kylo himself. What's he got to lose? What can the First Order do? Kill him?
13. Miscegenation All signs pointed to a blossoming relationship between Finn and Rey in The Force Awakens. But TLJ features another woman, Rose, confessing her love for the former stormtrooper and giving him a wet one after refusing to let him sacrifice himself for his fellow-Resistance members. Although Finn and Rose do have different ethnic backgrounds, I gotta say, it kinda seems like Johnson went out of his way to prevent the Black dude/white chick romance that we all saw coming. 14. The Dance Battle One of TLJ's climactic moments featured what amounted to a cringe-worthy dance battle. Notice how Kylo Ren and Luke Skywalker never make physical contact during You Got Served: Star Wars Edition. 15. Womansplaining In a scene featuring the Millenium Falcon engaging TIE fighters, Rey (in one of the gunner turrets) tells Chewbacca (flying the ship) to lead the enemy aircraft away from the Resistance fighters on the ground. Well, duh. No subtitles appeared onscreen to translate the wookie's response but he may have said something along the lines of: "I got this, lady. I've been in battles just like this in this very ship since before you were born. When I need tactical advice from someone whose only been in one previous dogfight -- ever -- I'll let you know. Until then -- stay in your lane." A little later, Rose tells Finn: "We shouldn't be fighting what we hate. We should be saving what we love." This comes shortly after she rammed his vehicle in order to end his suicide run against the First Order, thereby robbing him of his choice to sacrifice himself for a cause in which he strongly believes. Funny enough, this sermon is in direct contrast to Rose's actions earlier in the movie. You see, moments after she met Finn she prevented him from doing just that. After realizing that Finn was attempting to leave a losing battle against retreat from the Empire -- sigh, I mean First Order -- so that he could track down and protect the woman that he loves, Rose incapacitated him. And let's not forget that this guy's a military deserter who refused to perform his duties as a stormtrooper and only fought the FO in order to rescue Rey. So, as poetic as her womansplanation was -- he kinda knew all of that already.
16. Sexual Assault Immediately following Rose's sermon to Finn, she kisses him -- without his consent and in spite of the fact that he's been fairly open about his love for another woman. 17. CGI Wolfpack Not satisfied with the Porgs and the muppet casino, some of TLJ's special effects budget was also wasted on a pack of fake-looking wolves made outta diamonds. 18. Ghost Hand? After casting a Force-projection across the galaxy (Smh), Luke follows in Obi-Wan Kenobi's footsteps and vanishes leaving his Jedi robes to fall to the rock on which he was sitting. Except...Luke wasn't completely organic. The former Tatooine farmboy was outfitted with a robotic hand in The Empire Strikes Back and rocked it ever since. So why didn't it clatter to the ground when the rest of him de-materialized?
Speaking of which, one of the movie's many low points is its handling of Luke Skywalker's death. The death of a beloved hero can be done well and be well-received, to boot. Case in point: mutant anti-hero Wolverine, who sacrificed himself for the comrades of a daughter of sorts (Sound familiar?) in Logan -- which was released a mere nine months prior to TLJ. The best thing that writer/director J.J. Abrams can do for Episode XI is to cast a young Mark Hamill look-a-like and frame all of the events since Return of the Jedi as a Force-nightmare endured by Luke Skywalker. If you haven't seen The Last Jedi, do yourself a favor and skip it. I'm just gonna pretend that it never happened. To paraphrase a line in the movie: "It's time for Rian Johnson's influence on Star Wars to end."
Fearing I might have been a little too harsh on The Trespasser, I rewatched the film this morning. While it may not have been "Plan 9 From Outer Space BAD" as I originally stated, it's a poorly-made movie, a victim of its time. A time when Hollywood struggled to make a smooth transition from silent to sound. Stilted dialogue and stagnant camera work wreck The Trespasser, and poor Gloria Swanson, like a doomed passenger in a sinking ship, is its primary casualty.
Here is a question I pose to any film buff reading this review: How many truly great movies were made between 1929 and 1931? How many flicks could transcend the technical difficulties presented to the movie industry in that period and be called a "classic film"?
I know one thing for sure: Gloria Swanson deserves better than the lambasting I gave her over The Trespasser, so I decided to take a look at Zaza, a 1923 film she made with Allan Dwan, a frequent director of hers.
Gloria Swanson was one of the biggest, if not THE biggest female star of the 1920's. In Zaza she plays the title character, a fiery, frenetic, French cabaret performer who falls in love with a married diplomat (H. B. Warner).
Swanson is fantastic; the fluidity of movement that was denied her in The Trespasser is here in abundance. Whether stomping her feet, cat fighting with her chief rival (Mary Thurman) or flicking her petticoats insouciantly, Gloria Swanson is a feminine fireball!. She may not be the prettiest woman in the room, or the most photogenic, or even the most talented, but she is the most exciting. And that's what makes her a STAR: the energy she brings to the screen.
Zaza is a fun film that shows a feisty Gloria Swanson who is all sizzle and spark. And the costumes! Outrageous, outlandish, and out of this world, the pint-sized Miss Swanson wears them with aplomb (and plumage I might add!). Who designed these marvels of couture? Zaza was made in 1923, several years before Travis Banton and Edith Head came to Paramount. In doing some research the name Clara West popped up. She worked with Cecil B. DeMille and Swanson on several of their movies. And while she's not credited with Zaza, she may have contributed. Also director Mitchell Leisen, who started out in costume design, was around at this time. Whoever it was, I'm sure Gloria had a lot to say about what went on her back, her head, and her feet.
Finally a word about her co-stars. Besides Warner (who would go on to appear as Jesus in 1927's The King of Kings), there is Lucille La Verne who plays Rosa, Zaza's wine guzzling "aunt". A celebrated actress of the stage, La Verne would achieve movie immortality by voicing the evil queen in Disney's Snow White. Here she is fun, if a bit overdone, as the comic relief.
Helen Mack also shows up as the daughter of Bernard Dufresne (Warner), Swanson's love interest. I always remember Miss Mack as the girl in Son of Kong (1933). She had a lengthy career in film, and later wrote for radio, Broadway, and television. Google her, she's a remarkable woman herself.
Watch Zaza to see what made Gloria Swanson a star. Watch The Trespasser to see what happens when a star gets stuck in a mediocre vehicle. Watch Sunset Boulevard to see said star make film history. Hell, just WATCH! Films are fabulous, and as long as we keep watching and talking about them they will remain relevant and necessary and available for future generations to explore, experience, and exult in.
Never mind Casper, the spirits in these movies aren't necessarily friendly and their stories are so good that they'll haunt you for some to come.
9. The Sixth Sense
They say the third times the charm. After serving as writer and director on Praying with Anger and Wide Awake, Shamylan pulled double duty again on the 1999 release, The Sixth Sense. World's apart from his first two efforts, both spiritual journeys, The Sixth Sense is a ghost story about a little boy cursed with the ability to see the dead.
Nine-year-old Cole Sear's mom takes him to child psychiatrist Malcolm Crowe for treatment. Crowe once treated a patient who suffered from hallucinations and is convinced that Cole's in the same boat. But the latter's so horrified by what he sees that his life is a living nightmare. And eventually, Crowe begins to suspect that Cole's visions may be real and that his former patient, Vincent, had the same ability. This epiphany prompts Crowe to suggest that Cole try to talk to the ghosts that he sees. Because, hey, Casper was friendly -- maybe these walking dead mofos are too.
This isn't a Transformers movie but there's way more to the story than meets the eye -- so I'll stop there. I know some of you still haven't seen it and I don't wanna spoil it for you.
8. Ghostbusters: Afterlife
Picking up perfectly where Ghostbusters left off, Ghostbusters: Afterlife delves into the aftermath of Winston, Peter, Ray and Egon's battle with the dead 37 years ago. Though the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was defeated, all is not exactly right with the world. You know who to call.
7. The Black Phone
Following a boy's abduction by a serial killer, the murderer's previous victims reach out.
6. The Man Who Invented Christmas
You know how they say, "The book is better than the movie"? Well, this movie is damn good and it's about a book -- a bona fide literary classic, in fact. And the film isn't an adaptation, it's an exploration of the story's creation. What story? Nothing much. Just a little tale by the name of A Christmas Carol.
The Man Who Invented Christmas examines writer Charles Dickens' -- already a celebrated author at the time -- battle with writers' block and struggles to come up with another marketable book in order to stop the flow of his hemorrhaging finances. After his publisher loses faith in him, the famed storyteller finds inspiration in various sources and he and agent --- secure funding and commission artwork independently in order to get his soon-to-be latest creation in stores in time for a holiday which, according to the film, people had become apathetic about.
5. Ghostbusters
Four poltergeist hunters try to prevent Armageddon when a seismic amount of paranormal activity threatens to consume New York City.
4. Dead Men Tell No Tales
The most recent Pirates of the Caribbean movie returned to the series' cursed pirate roots without actually recycling the earlier films.
The flashback to a younger Jack Sparrow in Dead Men is so good that you'd be forgiven for believing that the search for the Fountain of Youth in the preceding movie, On Stranger Tides, struck pay dirt in real life.
3. The Curse of the Black Pearl
It's astonishing that a movie adaptation of a theme park ride was actually greenlit by a major motion picture studio and got a $140 million dollar budget approved. But the most remarkable thing about The Curse of the Black Pearl is the fact that it's actually entertaining.
The primary secret to the film's success is that, at the time of release, it was the most authentic-looking example of its genre. It's clear that great attention was paid to every minute detail in the interest of achieving the appropriate optics. What completely separates Black Pearl from other pirate movies is the fact that it's a ghost story.
Duplicitous but un-cutthroat Captain Jack Sparrow is the only surviving member of his lost prized possession, his former ship, The Black Pearl. Though his former crew continues to plunder, pillage and terrorize the high seas, they're no longer alive. Ten years ago, Sparrow's first mate, William Barbossa, led a mutiny against Jack and subsequently joined the crew in stealing cursed Aztec gold, which was originally stolen by conquistador Hernan Cortes 200 years earlier. The theft has left the pirates doomed to a living death, roaming the seven seas as corpses for eternity. Though the men -- and Barbossa's pet monkey -- continue to feel hunger, thirst and lust, the curse has rendered them unable to find satisfy any of these cravings and moonlight serves to show their true forms: walking, skeletal cadavers.
Jack was spared from the hex because the crew marooned him on a deserted island before they got their hands on the booty. When the deposed captain finally makes his way back to civilization -- Port Royal, to be exact -- he wastes little time betraying his ruthless reputation by saving Elizabeth Swan, the governor's daughter, from drowning. Good deed notwithstanding, Jack is promptly imprisoned and sentenced to death by hanging. But as luck would have it, the Black Pearl and her crew soon drop anchor at Port Royal as well, drawn by the Aztec gold worn as a necklace by Elizabeth, which came into her possession eight years earlier. The pirates became aware of the necklace, a piece of the cursed treasure, the moment that it -- and Elizabeth -- touched ocean water. After invading the shipping hub, the raiders kidnap Elizabeth, who tells them that her surname is Turner in order to conceal her true identity. Turner, however, is actually the family name of Will, an unassuming and orphaned blacksmith whom she's known since they were children.
2. Poltergeist
Steven Freeling has realized the American Dream: a wife; three kids; a dog; and a house in the suburbs. But his new home becomes a waking nightmare after his five-year-old daughter, Carol Anne, is contacted by -- something -- via the television set. Before long, she's disappeared and no one under the family's roof is safe. At their wits' end, the Freelings call in a team of parapsychologists to investigate. And soon discover that the situation is much worse than they'd ever imagined.
1. The Others
If you haven't seen The Others it's best to go in knowing as little as possible.
